I remember the day my mother told me not everyone is handsome, good looking, or even attractive — and this can be an advantage. It was many years ago, and I’ve always oscillated between remembering it vividly, and/or denying it with Freudian super-powers, all for the fear she was actually talking about me; mitigating my expectations for life. Of course, It’s obviously irrelevant as I’m handsome as a young Harrison Ford, talented like John Ford, fast as a Ford GT, and connected to life in ways similar to the ones Betty Ford excelled at. But still, her point has taken hold in some peculiar way; is being ugly sometimes in your favor? Does it make you stand out? Do people find it easier to identify with you because of your less than good looks?

This old question comes back to my mind whenever I see a modern BMW on the road. I seem to have developed a Love-Hate relationship with the brand; whenever I love it, it hates me right back. Nothing is more illustrative of this relationship than the design decisions BMW has taken in the last years. When Chris Bangle was designing the 7-series (E65) and the 5-Series (E60), it was as if my mother’s prophecy/poetry was delivered; ugly, stunning and remarkable designs that caught your eye and captured your emotions like almost no other beamer ever did. Revolutionary, in-your-face cars that you either loved or hated, and incidentally sky-rocketed BMW’s sales to new highs.

Then Bangle left, or got fired, or simply completed his role in car history, and someone else took over. Well, I’m not actually sure it was someone; it feels more like he was replaced by a committee, or a primitive AI, or by the US congress. Nice cars, solid designs, vehicles that if you missed the logo could be easily mistaken with Korea’s latest offerings. I can almost hear the strategic meeting, urgently held after Bangle’s departure: “Ve need to make zis brand appealing zu a much vider audience ya? No more crazy Americanz making cars that look like a Messerschmidt from ze second vorld var ya?” All supported naturally by idiotic research held in the USA, clearly showing that buyers prefer “classic”, “Inclusive” and “Non-threatning” designs – or in other words, make it fucking borrrrrrrrrrrring so no one knows what you really bought unless they purchased the very same boredom machine. The perfect boredom machine. The perfect boring experience. When I lived in Germany many years ago, Mercedes drivers used to say BMW (Acronym stands for “Bayrische Motoren Werke”) actually means “Bayrischer Mist Wagen”, roughly translated to “Bavarian Garbage Wagon”. When I first saw the F10 5-series I finally agreed whole heartedly; it wasn’t beautiful, it wasn’t ugly, it actually wasn’t there at all. Right after that the famous M division secretly sent out a memo informing everyone that from now on “M” stands for “Mundane” and the transformation was completed.

So what’s next with BMW’s beauty choices? I’m getting mixed messages. On the one hand, most of the best sellers are pretty lame and show no ambition to be anything more than their boring siblings. On the other, the i8 and the i3 are showing promise. The i8 unfortunately feels like a a halo car move, pretty much in line with what Lexus did with the LFA; let’s spend shitloads of money on a non-for-profit dream car that very few oligarchs will ever own, with the hope that the other idiots will buy more of our boredom machines and tell themselves it’s the same thing. The i3 actually shows real promise for a completely new and real-life design metaphor for BMW and I really like it. It probably means it will be put on ice very soon, and its designer will soon move on to work on a brave new Lada in Siberia.